First we do their homework for them, then their taxes.
Yes, It’s Tax Day and You’re Still Doing Returns for Your Adult Children
Parents are preparing returns for their grown children even into their 40s, with no plans to hand over the chore
Every spring like clockwork, Bridget Cusick receives a package from her father. This year, she opened it to find two manila envelopes, stamped and pre-addressed; one to New York state; one to the Internal Revenue Service. Her address was written in the top left-hand corners. There were forms, too: three stacks, held together by paper clips. A Post-it Note stuck to one said, “your copies.”
“It’s very turnkey for me,” says Ms. Cusick. “He puts little sticky arrows that say, ‘sign here.’ ”
Ms. Cusick is 42 and the director of marketing with the Archdiocese of New York. She has never done her taxes. Her 74-year-old dad, a retired attorney from Barron, Wis., does them for her.
“It’s not like I don’t think I could learn how to do it,” she says. “But if my dad legitimately seems to enjoy doing it and it saves me time, why not?”
“He enjoys it.” “She’s good at it.” Such is the party line of adults who still have their accounting needs handled by their parents. This includes Ms. Cusick’s younger brother and his wife, who receive a packet of their own each spring.
“I think about it every year when the time comes around, that it’s probably a skill that I should have learned,” says Patrick Cusick, who works in marketing and lives in La Crosse, Wis. “I don’t really know why he hasn’t been like, ‘Son, you need to learn to do your taxes ’cause you’re 34 years old.’ ”
Their father, David Cusick, says having them learn on their own makes him nervous. “I’m just kind of concerned that they’ll make a mistake and then have the IRS bugging them,” he says.
At what age did you start doing your own taxes? What about your kids? Was your tax return easy this year? How’s your tax day going?
by Used to Lurk
Thursday’s NPR TED Radio Hour Podcast episode was “Turning Kids Into Grown-Ups” which would be right up this group’s alley. The podcast is 53 minutes but you can up the speed or skip through the ads.
Turning Kids Into Grown-Ups
Parenting is fraught with uncertainty, changing with each generation. This hour, TED speakers share ideas about raising kids and how — despite our best efforts — we’re probably still doing it wrong.
The first segment was former Stanford dean Jullie Lythcott-Haims who is advocating that we stop parenting our kids like they are Bonsai trees and managing their every move. She has a book titled “How to Raise an Adult” and her TED talk is “What’s the harm in over parenting”. She advocating that parents back-off the micromanaging of their kids lives and accomplishments.
The second segment was former firefighter Caroline Paul and her talk is about how to raise brave daughters.
The third segment was author Peggy Orenstein, who has written numerous books on teaching girls about sex. The talk involves talking to both daughters and sons.
The fourth segment was psychologist Dr. Aaia El-Khani and is focused on how to parent in a war zone and the work she has done in refugee camps.
The final segment is a poem by Sarah Kay about what she wants her daughter to know.
I enjoyed the entire podcast but there is value in just listening to segments that interest you. I found it very informative. I think this group could talk about Julie Lythcott-Haims points for quite a while.
DS is back in school now, after being home for nearly a month during semester break. While he was home, he said a few things that warmed my heart:
-A couple of times when I asked him if he wanted to go with me to work out, he said, “OK;” this after always declining when he was in HS. He also mentioned that trips to the gym are part of his normal routine in school, even as the weather turned cold.
-He took me up on my offer to take some of my cold-weather clothes, from my days dealing with frigid SV winters, back with him.
-He spoke of how difficult it was to get adequate amounts of fiber through cafeteria food, and how nearly all of their starches were refined. He’s addressed that by eating a lot of vegetables, and is even contemplating eating oatmeal.
-He mentioned that one of the reasons he joined the school orchestra was that he thought it would be a good way to meet people.
What parenting success stories do you have?
by Honolulu Mother
This guy feels strongly that kids’ menus should not be a thing:
Why ordering from the kids menu is harmful to children
I cannot say I agree. While we didn’t rely heavily on the kids’ menu when ours were in that age group, clearly there are pickier eaters out there than mine were and why shouldn’t restaurants offer some safe and relatively inexpensive options for families that want them? He sounds like a man who would have strong views on screen time.
However, I do agree that if you’re not dealing with a picky eater, there’s no reason to limit kids to the kids’ menu options, For smaller kids with smaller appetites sharing food works well, and you can order an appetizer to supplement if needed. And of course they eventually want to order their own entrees, which our policy was to allow as long as the kid would reliably eat what s/he ordered and the item wasn’t ridiculously expensive (and even if the kid thinks hot chocolate is the ideal beverage choice to go with salmon).
How about others? How long were your kids ordering off the kids’ menu? Do you agree with him that it’s preferable to avoid the kids’ menu? Does anyone agree with him that restaurants should not even offer a kids’ menu?
The book described sounds interesting.
The article has taken a political turn but I don’t want to put it on the political page or turn it into a political discussion. This is about our children, families and the role of parents, with emphasis on a mother’s role.
Once I had kids the demands of a job and those of the kids clashed. I couldn’t lean in as much as I wanted to. My own parents had busy work and social lives. They were unavailable. Many times as a teen, I wished my mother was home more like the mothers of my friends just to talk things through.
Totebaggers share your experiences, observations and opinions.
The Politicization of Motherhood
This pretty much sums up my two teen boys. At 15 and 17, neither one dates, drinks, or drives. Their friends are all the same. They don’t even seem to have any interest in girls (or boys). I thought teens were supposed to be a hotbed of hormones. Was it something in the water?
Not drinking or driving, teens increasingly put off traditional markers of adulthood
I saw this making the facebook rounds, and it seems like a great one for the Totebag.
In Praise of Mediocre Kids
I thought we could talk about dress-up clothes and behavior for kids (since it is on my mind). How many Totebaggers’ kids have been in weddings? How old were they? From where were their outfits sourced? What would you consider “too much” to spend on a flower girl or junior bridesmaid dress? Or a navy blazer for boys? Do you let your kids run wild at weddings and/or get their fancy clothes filthy?
The last time one of my kids was in a wedding was when #1 was 2, and I borrowed a dress for her that time and had to walk with her down the aisle. Now all 3 of ours will be in our nanny’s wedding next year, so I will have to buy all their outfits.
When Helicopter Parents Hover Even at Work
Have any Totebaggers seen younger workers’ parents in the workplace? Or is this another one of the NYT overblown or nonexistent trend stories?
A recent discussion on the politics open thread got onto the subject of immigration, then onto a discussion of how a change in immigration policy has affected businesses that rely on seasonal summer workers, which led away from politics to a discussion of summer employment of Totebaggers. Apparently many employers who rely heavily on seasonal summer workers have difficulty hiring domestic workers, and rely on foreign workers on visas (Denver Dad also mentioned it could be a problem for ski areas relying on seasonal winter workers).
For those of us with HS and college kids, what are your families doing WRT summer employment? Will, or have, your kids take or taken any of the summer jobs historically associated with kids that age, e.g., lifeguard, cannery work, agricultural work, fast food, wait or kitchen staff, etc? Or would jobs more associated with career plans, such as internships, be in their past or future?
What kind of summer work did you do, and will your kids do similar work?
by Denver Dad
Do you ever get jealous of other kids? I’ve mentioned quite a few times that DD plays softball and I’m one of the coaches. She loves playing, but she is just not an athlete. Over the years, I’ve seen quite a few girls who came in with little or no experience and pick it up so quickly. I can’t help feeling a bit jealous when I see them in comparison to DD.
by Honolulu Mother
I’m sure we all remember when we were urged to go all Tiger Mom on our kids, and when a bit later we were urged to feed them pate and celeriac and send them off to play while the grown-ups talk, because French women not only don’t get fat, they also don’t serve up Easy Mac to picky eaters or hover over playdates. But now we’re offered a new group to be more like: the Dutch!
The key to raising happy kids? The latest trend says do as the Dutch do.
I am especially amused by this because a few years ago, around when the Tiger Mom stuff was big in the news, my daughter’s friend (whose mother is Dutch) had come along for a weekend at my parents’ house and my mother, impressed with the friend’s behavior, was talking about how there should be a book on Dutch parenting . . . right up until the friend accidentally dropped a gecko in my mother’s lap and it ended up inside her shorts.
The article suggests that features of Dutch childhood include plenty of independence, time for play, and minimal academic stress, all helped along by a wholly un-American level of work-life balance. Does that sound good to you? Does it sound feasible? And, what country’s parenting style do you think we should next be urged to adopt, and why?
When do you let your kids quit an activity? Our sons, 1st grade and kindergarten, are taking piano lessons. I have no musical ability, but I feel it is important for them to have some exposure to music. We are finishing their first year of lessons. The kids are starting to complain about practicing. Mostly the older one is complaining about practicing, and I think the younger one complains because his brother does. I don’t want them to quit because it is getting harder, but at the same time, I don’t want to force them to do something they don’t like.
Both kids like music and say they would like to try other instruments when they get older. The younger son seems to have an interest in music – he goes through life singing and making up songs. If we allowed the older son to quit piano, I think the younger son would quit too because he wants to do everything his brother does.
If this were a sport that the kid didn’t want to do, I’d let them quit once the season was over and not sign them up again. I wonder though if it should be different with music. I’m not sure if they are complaining now because it is getting harder and they don’t want to work through it. I’m not having them play piano as a resume builder for college. I want them to have exposure and appreciation for music.
Other info – I don’t think they mind going to the lessons because it is during their after-school care, so we don’t need to drive them to it. I started paying them to practice as they wanted to earn more money (daily prices – $0.25 for one time through all songs, $0.50 for two times through, and $0.75 for 3 or more times through).
For those of you who play an instrument or did play an instrument, did your parents make you play? How long did you take lessons for? Do you wish you would have stuck with it for longer? Should I let them take next year off and try taking lessons again when they are older? Any tips to help make practicing more enjoyable or provide more incentive for practicing? Should we allow them to stop taking lessons?
by Honolulu Mother
This blog post by Bert Fulks recommends a variant on the you-can-always-get-a-ride-home policy that I’ve seen recommended before (including on the Totebag) for the teenage years. He describes it thus:
Let’s say that my youngest, Danny, gets dropped off at a party. If anything about the situation makes him uncomfortable, all he has to do is text the letter “X” to any of us (his mother, me, his older brother or sister). The one who receives the text has a very basic script to follow. Within a few minutes, they call Danny’s phone. When he answers, the conversation goes like this:
“Danny, something’s come up and I have to come get you right now.”
“I’ll tell you when I get there. Be ready to leave in five minutes. I’m on my way.”
At that point, Danny tells his friends that something’s happened at home, someone is coming to get him, and he has to leave.
It seems like a good idea. What says the Totebag’s collective wisdom?
by Honolulu Mother
I was interested in this Washington Post article suggesting that sometimes the best way to be a supportive parent is to stay quiet, at least until your child is ready to talk:
The first rule of sports (and all) parenting: Don’t speak
This is not a natural response for me. I have learned over time that there are times it’s best to say what you have to say and then drop it, or wait for a better time to raise a thorny topic — this isn’t limited to parenting, either — but I hadn’t really thought about the option to say nothing in a situation such as the one described in the article (disappointing loss in a big game). I’ll have to remember that as another tool in my parenting toolbox.
Is the don’t-talk approach something you would use, or have used, in a similar situation? What do you think of the advice?
by Honolulu Mother
Apparently of the kids who play organized sports, only 30% are still playing by the end of middle school, as written up in this Washington Post article:
Why 70 percent of kids quit sports by age 13
The article suggests a number of reasons, which largely come down to the way the system is designed to be up-or-out and narrow down to the most serious and competitive players, in combination with similar increases in time demands and competitiveness in other activities forcing kids to choose just one or two things to focus on.
Do you have thoughts on this phenomenon? Is there a place for a once-a-week fun league in high school? Have your high schoolers found other fun ways to keep active when they’re not in organized sports?