by Honolulu Mother
I’d never heard of the theory that Ikea is a relationship death trap before reading this NYMag article:
Psychologists Explain Why Ikea Is a Relationship Death-Trap
I can’t say I’ve ever fought at Ikea, although since we don’t have one here my Ikea experiences with my husband have not focused on serious furniture shopping. Going during a vacation, to take advantage of the option to put your small children in a supervised playroom for an hour while you browse children’s duvets, is probably not the kind of stressor people are talking about.
However, I can’t say that furniture shopping has struck me as a relationship-stressor in general, even though it can be a tedious and time-consuming process. How about others? Are you nodding along with the author, or are you bemused at the idea?
by Grace aka costofcollege
Feeling romantic on this Valentine’s Day? Here’s a theory that would support trying to stay in a marriage that is not horrible.
We have a script in our heads about what divorce does, much of it lifted from the divorce revolution of the 1960s and 1970s. Two people meet … they fall in love … they develop irreconcilable differences, or they grow apart, and must split so that at least one of the parties can develop into their truest, highest self.
But more recent research suggests a very different truth about happiness. As Daniel Gilbert argues in the brilliant book “Stumbling on Happiness,” unless our circumstances are truly unbearable, our brains will seek to find their natural level of happiness, like floodwater evening out across a plain. Whatever we are stuck with … whatever we commit to … we will find ways to make it work — and we will be just as happy with it as we would have been with any other outcome.
Under this theory, all other forces being equal, those who avoid divorce end up with the same long-term level of happiness that they would have had post-divorce … and they skip the short-term financial and emotional pains of separation.
What do you think?
And have you seen evidence of this trend?
Study: More Older Adults Prefer ‘Living Apart Together’
Among the comments, this one made me laugh:
My friends and I all want to be married on the national guard plan. 1 weekend a month. Two weeks in the summer.
by Rocky Mountain Stepmom
The Single American Woman
This is a long article about the influence of single women on the
political scene. On the Totebag we have several members who hold strong
opinions about single mothers, for example. This article addresses why
remaining single often seems to be in women’s self-interest. It looks at
affluent single women as well as lower-income women. Totebaggers, if you
found yourself single tomorrow, would you look for another partner? Or
would you say “BTDT” and forge ahead independently?
My husband has stopped cheating on me after 35 years
This piece caught my eye. I know of a few long-term marriages where there was cheating and dysfunction. Everyone knew including the kids. Now, there is posting of pictures on FB of the happy couple in their golden years. I want to shout “fakes” but am I right ? Is it possible for partners to change ? To let go of resentments and forgive ? To enjoy their golden years together ?
The Marriages of Power Couples Reinforce Income Inequality
We Totebaggers may be examples of assortative mating – what are our thoughts?
Some time ago, I was thinking about marriage, as one of my friends was going through a divorce, and I felt that it was like watching a car accident. So I was thinking how can we help people understand what they have to do to maintain their marriage. I figure since everyone drives/own a car and so should at least understand the care and maintenance of a car, and once you equate a marriage to that, it’s much easier to digest.
So, here is my car analogy
|What kind of driver/car owner are you?
||If you don’t put gas in car, it doesn’t go far
|Scheduled Maintenance- oil change, 15K tune ups, etc
||Anniversary, Birthday celebrations
||Without maintenance car would begin to fall apart
|Maintenance – new brakes, tires, etc.
||Not replacing worn out parts caused car to fail
||Movies, dinner out
||Not washing/cleaning car cause it to look old/shabby
|Not causing accidents by driving badly
||Not causing marriage troubles by treating wife/marriage badly
||Sometimes cars in accidents are never the same again because of structural damage
|Not getting into accidents by driving defensively
||Not causing marriage troubles by being aware potential trouble spots and avoiding it.
||No matter whose fault it is, an accident will damage a car, sometimes irreparable
|What kind of car are you?
||flashy, fun, not functional, often high maintenance, attract lots of attention
||bland, functional, family oriented
||flashy, functional, often high maintenance
||functional but not family oriented, not comfortable
by Grace aka costofcollege
10 Reasons Engineers Make Good Partners
I don’t agree with all their reasons, but some good points are made. Let’s explore this further.
10 Reasons Engineers Make Bad Partners
10 Reasons [fill in the blank with another profession] Make Good/Bad Partners
What makes for a good or bad partner? Any correlation with profession?
The Wedding Toast I’ll Never Give
Saw this in this week’s Modern Love column and felt like it really spoke to my 19 years of marriage and would be good required reading for all people considering marriage. I also found the positivity of the comments section to be a big surprise. How about you, do you think this is a realistic portrayal? Do you wish someone had told you something like this before you got married? Unmarried toters – does this make marriage more or less appealing? Discuss.
I’m a new empty nester and 2 mothers in my situation have been dumped by their husbands – and neither has worked in 15 years. Turns out their husbands blew through all their joint savings accounts so now both women are going back to work in low-level jobs. I think there still needs to be more awareness of long-term consequences of giving up your career as a mother – and actions you can take to stop free spending spouses if they seem out of control ( freeze bank accounts is one).