Ask the Totebag — Divorce

by winemama

My ex and I separated last summer after 13 years of marriage. We have one son, who is almost 7. He spends one week with Dad, then one week with me, switching after school on Fridays. The first holidays were rough.

I saw DS part of Halloween for trick or treat. I got DS for Thanksgiving lunch, ex got him for Thanksgiving dinner. Vice versa for Christmas Day. DS has his birthday in the spring.

Any suggestions from folks who have been through this before?

Tips for handling his birthday? Try to celebrate together or not?

I’m dating someone now (for almost 3 months), when to introduce him?

Things to avoid?

Divorce will be final in February.


Happiness, marriage, divorce

by Grace aka costofcollege

Feeling romantic on this Valentine’s Day?  Here’s a theory that would support trying to stay in a marriage that is not horrible.

We have a script in our heads about what divorce does, much of it lifted from the divorce revolution of the 1960s and 1970s. Two people meet … they fall in love … they develop irreconcilable differences, or they grow apart, and must split so that at least one of the parties can develop into their truest, highest self.

But more recent research suggests a very different truth about happiness. As Daniel Gilbert argues in the brilliant book “Stumbling on Happiness,” unless our circumstances are truly unbearable, our brains will seek to find their natural level of happiness, like floodwater evening out across a plain. Whatever we are stuck with … whatever we commit to … we will find ways to make it work — and we will be just as happy with it as we would have been with any other outcome.

Under this theory, all other forces being equal, those who avoid divorce end up with the same long-term level of happiness that they would have had post-divorce … and they skip the short-term financial and emotional pains of separation.

What do you think?

And have you seen evidence of this trend?

Study: More Older Adults Prefer ‘Living Apart Together’

Among the comments, this one made me laugh:

My friends and I all want to be married on the national guard plan. 1 weekend a month. Two weeks in the summer.