by Grace aka costofcollege
Feeling romantic on this Valentine’s Day? Here’s a theory that would support trying to stay in a marriage that is not horrible.
We have a script in our heads about what divorce does, much of it lifted from the divorce revolution of the 1960s and 1970s. Two people meet … they fall in love … they develop irreconcilable differences, or they grow apart, and must split so that at least one of the parties can develop into their truest, highest self.
But more recent research suggests a very different truth about happiness. As Daniel Gilbert argues in the brilliant book “Stumbling on Happiness,” unless our circumstances are truly unbearable, our brains will seek to find their natural level of happiness, like floodwater evening out across a plain. Whatever we are stuck with … whatever we commit to … we will find ways to make it work — and we will be just as happy with it as we would have been with any other outcome.
Under this theory, all other forces being equal, those who avoid divorce end up with the same long-term level of happiness that they would have had post-divorce … and they skip the short-term financial and emotional pains of separation.
What do you think?
And have you seen evidence of this trend?
Study: More Older Adults Prefer ‘Living Apart Together’
Among the comments, this one made me laugh:
My friends and I all want to be married on the national guard plan. 1 weekend a month. Two weeks in the summer.
Two Totebaggers seek advice about gift giving, and you can post your own questions in the comments.
Gift giving on a budget
I like to give gifts but I have to look at my budget as well. DH has over the years delegated gift giving to me. I primarily buy for my nieces and nephews. For the adults it is occasional gifts if I think they would enjoy them.
I try not to splurge. In a nod to MMM, I had my DD “save” her birthday gifts (craft kits) and open them in the lean months.
What are your strategies for gift giving on a budget, saving gifts for later or do you turn into MMM (modern day Scrooge) and declare a gift free holiday ?
Gift giving for families in transition
by SWVA Mom
I was wondering today if I should get my estranged husband a Christmas gift and thought I should ask the Totebag. Do you or your friends/family exchange holiday gifts with the ex-spouse? If so, what’s appropriate? More specifically, is booze OK?
Do you help young children purchase something nice for their other parent or just let them go with the craft project they made at school? I’m not there yet, but same question for step-siblings who might come into the picture.
What about ex-in-laws? (I did send gifts to my nieces.) And do you still exchange holiday cards with the ex’s aunts/uncles/cousins?
Any other holiday etiquette tips for families in transition? Please share your funny stories or cautionary tales about broken & blended family holidays.
Some time ago, I was thinking about marriage, as one of my friends was going through a divorce, and I felt that it was like watching a car accident. So I was thinking how can we help people understand what they have to do to maintain their marriage. I figure since everyone drives/own a car and so should at least understand the care and maintenance of a car, and once you equate a marriage to that, it’s much easier to digest.
So, here is my car analogy
|What kind of driver/car owner are you?
||If you don’t put gas in car, it doesn’t go far
|Scheduled Maintenance- oil change, 15K tune ups, etc
||Anniversary, Birthday celebrations
||Without maintenance car would begin to fall apart
|Maintenance – new brakes, tires, etc.
||Not replacing worn out parts caused car to fail
||Movies, dinner out
||Not washing/cleaning car cause it to look old/shabby
|Not causing accidents by driving badly
||Not causing marriage troubles by treating wife/marriage badly
||Sometimes cars in accidents are never the same again because of structural damage
|Not getting into accidents by driving defensively
||Not causing marriage troubles by being aware potential trouble spots and avoiding it.
||No matter whose fault it is, an accident will damage a car, sometimes irreparable
|What kind of car are you?
||flashy, fun, not functional, often high maintenance, attract lots of attention
||bland, functional, family oriented
||flashy, functional, often high maintenance
||functional but not family oriented, not comfortable
I’m a new empty nester and 2 mothers in my situation have been dumped by their husbands – and neither has worked in 15 years. Turns out their husbands blew through all their joint savings accounts so now both women are going back to work in low-level jobs. I think there still needs to be more awareness of long-term consequences of giving up your career as a mother – and actions you can take to stop free spending spouses if they seem out of control ( freeze bank accounts is one).
Almost everyone has been touched by divorce. Many of you are divorced, some remarried, some have step-kids. If you’re blessed to have been happily married to only one person, you probably have a friend who was not so lucky. Or maybe your parents or your friends’ parents are divorced.
My question to you today: What is really best for the kids? What custody sharing arrangements have worked (or not), in the same town, across the country, or somewhere in between? What strategies worked (or not) to help children with the transition to separate homes? What worked (or not) in planning for expenses, like extracurriculars, cars/insurance, and college? Please share both the successes and failures you have had or observed with co-parenting.