Parents in the school lunchroom?

by Swim

Ban on parents at school lunchrooms roils Connecticut town

The headline made me roll my eyes, but a paragraph in the article made me think of our discussion earlier this week about eating out and ‘fast food.’

Other districts have wrestled with lunchroom visitation policies including Beaverton, Oregon, where restrictions were added last year because many Indian and Pakistani families were bringing warm lunches from home daily for their children. The elementary school added a rack where parents can drop off lunches, and the district assesses visit requests on a case-by-case basis, district spokeswoman Maureen Wheeler said.

I’m not familiar with the idea of bringing lunch to school at lunchtime, but bringing in a warm lunch from home (which I’m equating with home cooked and therefore ‘healthier’) sounds like a habit to encourage and the solution seems to meet the needs of the parents, students and school staff.

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126 thoughts on “Parents in the school lunchroom?

  1. Swim – Indian families in the home country either had mothers or household help take hot lunches to school. This was only in kindergarten and first grade. By second/third grade this stopped. There was no intrusion in schools to the extent there was at my kids elementary school. Many mothers would be in and around the school the whole day. The middle school firmly closed the door on parents. The elementary school principal on the grounds of security has limited parents from being inside the school so much.
    I did think the presence of parents at my kids elementary school was a bit much. If parents wanted to be with their kids they could have saved a bunch of money (private school) and just homeschooled. They could have hired the occasional baby sitter and the whole thing would have been a lot cheaper and less work. They would miss out on the social aspect and I think that was a big reason parents caring for young kids hung out at the school so much.

  2. It was common for a parent to bring the kid a special lunch on their birthday and treats (cupcakes/cookies) for the entire class.

    I think if families are bringing cooked and hot food from home for lunch, the issue is about cultural (and maybe healthy) eating and them not finding good choices in the lunchroom.

    The idea that you can’t go 7-8 hours without hovering over your child is just astounding. If a child has separation issues, you are just making them happen twice a day. I rarely went to parties at school because they would be at 2:30 – 3:00 pm, then you were to take your kid home. Well at 3, I was saying, you have to go to after school care, see you at 6. That didn’t go well up until about 4th grade. It was easier on them if I just didn’t go.

  3. I never knew this was a thing.

    “Terry Steadman, a parent, told the board she was shocked and driven to tears by the news.”

    Really? I’m sure there are some special circumstances where this parental visitation is warranted, but for the most part this strikes me as helicopter parenting.

  4. I didn’t know that lunch visits were possible in any school until I read this article.

    Prior to the shooting in Newtown, parents in our elementary school were permitted to bring a snack for class and read a book to celebrate a birthday. Celebrations were held in the classroom at the end of the day. They were also invited to attend holiday parties or writing celebrations in the classroom.

    I know several parents that would have liked to have access during lunch due to social issues, allergies and diabetes. They had to trust aides and teachers because lunch visits are not permitted in our schools. It’s very difficult to visit at all since Newtown. Bdays are no longer celebrated with food because there is policy about outside food/shared food. All holiday parties were eliminated.

    Parents are sort of discouraged from visiting our elementary school except for major events like the Halloween parade or international day. It makes it easier for working parents because the days of needing to be present at 10:45 are over.

    I’m glad that the lunch visits were not even on the radar for our district. I can’t even remember a parent ever visiting a lunchroom in NYC. In my opinion, kids need to be kids and learn the skills they need away from their parents.

  5. The parents at my kids school went to Chick-Fil-A and brought that in as a special treat. I guess it was a break from the daily healthy lunches

  6. I never heard of parents visiting in the lunchroom. When the kids were very small – daycare, kindergarten, and first grade – you could bring in a birthday treat for the class and stay for a couple of minutes. After that, you could deliver the treat but not come to the class. I was always the Bad Mom who forgot to get a birthday treat, which my kids have complained about.

  7. Speaking of lunches, I would just be happy if my HS kids had a lunch period. Even my MS kid often has to miss lunch to get extra help with teachers or finish a test (she gets extended time)

  8. I almost forgot. At our former middle school, the 8th graders always take a big trip and fundraise for it. The newest fundraiser is Popsicles at lunch. 8th Grade parents purchase them in bulk and then have to be present to sell them in the lunchroom. This is not a be with your kid kind of thing. They also do still ask at the beginning of the year for a volunteer during the K-2 lunch period. There are often things like milk cartons that kids need help with and more so when the Kinders are brand new. When the teachers do all of the helping, they often get no lunch themselves.

    All of the schools we are at or have been to ask for parent volunteer help. Even DD#2’s current large public is looking for parents in the attendance office, library, and “teacher helpers” in the front office. Teacher helpers mainly make copies of things or prepare packets for kids who are out for extended periods.

  9. bringing in a warm lunch from home (which I’m equating with home cooked and therefore ‘healthier’) sounds like a habit to encourage

    You realize this isn’t soup in a thermos in a backpack. This is making a special trip to school each day to bring your kid a freshly prepared hot lunch that you’ve cooked at home.

  10. I have taken lunch on occasion to my kids….for reasons like just got braces and can’t chew so wants a smoothie to forgot to buy food for lunches so kid has nothing to pack and is allergic to too many food to use the school food service. Good, bad and lame excuses.

    Around here, by middle school, enterprising kids get into the food procurement/distribution service themselves. One of DS’s friends biked to school past the dollar general and bought large quantities of soda that he resold. I was amazed that he could resell it to kids who walked by the same dg on the way to school. In high school, one of DD2’s classmates took orders for burritos, relayed the orders to his mother and sold them at lunch time. Apparently, they were quite tasty. Another kid took orders, drove to the neighboring town to a coffee shop and brought back mochas and whatnot for a significant markup. DD2 put together a social media site for him so that he could gather orders more efficiently.

    I don’t think I live in totebag land.

  11. I have lunch at my kids school a few times a year. In fact, I’ll join my 1st grader tomorrow (but I did skip out at the winter party). Sometimes my kid brings her lunch, sometimes I’ll buy the school lunch with her (it is tasty), and sometimes I’ll bring McDonalds. Usually there is one or two other parents in the lunchroom. It really isn’t a big ordeal, and if the school shut it down, I would be fine with that too. I’m only aware of one family whose mom would come everyday with a lunch. The child had very severe food allergies along with digestive issues. But now the child is old enough to know what food is safe to eat, so the daily visits stopped.

    Birthday celebrations for the younger grades is to have a parent come read a favorite book to the class. No food, no cheapo treats.

  12. I have never heard of this. AFAIK, this hasn’t ever been a “thing” at DS’s school. Almost every kid eats the hot lunch that is included in tuition which includes various options (vegetarian, gluten free and dairy free). The only kid that regularly brought lunch in was from a vegan family – the vegetarian options are pretty cheese-heavy. I think bringing fresh-made food from home daily (like described in the quote) would be frowned upon, but I don’t know that it has ever come up.

    Birthday celebrations are at the end of the day and sometimes include food. DS’s birthday is near a major holiday & he is generally not at school. On top of that, he hates being the center of attention and has refused all offers to celebrate at school at a different time.

  13. I can see how this would be completely out of hand if you are dealing with the population of entitled helicopter parents with nothing better to do than micromanage their grade school kids’ lives described in the article. That is not my world.

  14. In the home country, the meals for the family are prepared early in the morning. Most households cook every day or at least have home cooked food in the refrigerator that can be sent in a lunch box. Very important cultural factor is the concept of sharing food (which doesn’t happen in the West). For instance because many of my friends were vegetarian, I would take mainly vegetarian meals to school so that we could share our lunches.

  15. Someone the other day mentioned that their neighbor’s husband had canceled their housekeeper on the grounds that if mom wasn’t working she could clean her own house. This being Darien

    https://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/155-Long-Neck-Point-Rd_Darien_CT_06820_M35589-47078?ex=CT613909381&view=qv

    I bet a lot of this is (very) affluent SAHMs trying to justify their time in a world where 70% of moms work. In the past when 70% of moms didn’t work and staying at home was the default, there wasn’t nearly the same need to justify it.

  16. At our school parents are welcome to come eat lunch with their kids. I think it’s sweet. The cafeteria is included in school tuition, like Ivy’s, so all the kids eat there, and teachers eat with them. Any parent or grandparent can come at any time and eat with their kid and his/her class, you just pay $5. Most parents do it once or twice during the year on a special occasion day, like a birthday, and it pretty much fizzles out after 3rd grade or so.

  17. The key question is to what degree are the quoted parents outliers from the norm. Because I can name at least one mom whose kid has been in school with mine who, if the same policy were announced, would reliably give a reporter a similarly asinine quote like “it felt like a body blow” or “I was driven to tears.” This one in particular has even dropped in for lunch at middle school, my eldest child reports.

    I’ve joined my kids for lunch a few times, usually bringing Chick-fil-A. Maybe as frequently as twice a year for K-2, but often less frequently. I don’t specifically remember if this includes the times that I brought donuts for a birthday, which is something that is directed to be done at lunch. I’ve never done anything like this for someone 3rd grade or above.

    DW, however, has significantly upped her school volunteering over the past two years, since my youngest has been in school. I think she feels the time slipping away very quickly. She’s been there several times this week, doing a couple different parties. The first graders made Christmas trees by spreading green frosting on ice cream cones, and pushing Skittles into the frosting for ornaments.

  18. When my kids were in elementary school parents were welcome to have lunch with their kids. I went very infrequently, maybe once or twice. Parents were not allowed to bring fast food. Lunch and most other random visits have been cut back dramatically since Newtown. Personally, I was happy to see this because there were so many parents who were there all.the.time for no clear reason.

  19. One of our parent/couple/family friends, the real-life Totebaggers that we actually know and whom I’ve mentioned here before, the mom has confessed to us that she’s been blacklisted at the school. Too much eagerness in her volunteering (always inserting herself rather than simply being available when requested), too much complaining about class placement, curriculum, kid’s special requirements, etc.

    Before she was blacklisted, she was doing things like starting a science club as a voluntary alternative to outdoor recess. She’s always looking for an excuse to buy dry ice and demonstrate sublimation. They are just very, very earnest people. They’re coming over tonight, along with a few other families.

    Sunday night they came caroling at our house (she’s a trained vocalist) dressed in a lighthearted attempt at Victorian costume.

  20. I bet a lot of this is (very) affluent SAHMs trying to justify their time in a world where 70% of moms work. In the past when 70% of moms didn’t work and staying at home was the default, there wasn’t nearly the same need to justify it.

    I agree. These are what I call “professional moms”. They are type A and left the workforce, and now channel all the type A-ness into parenting.

    Most parents do it once or twice during the year on a special occasion day, like a birthday, and it pretty much fizzles out after 3rd grade or so.

    This is perfectly reasonable, and much different than going every day.

    DW, however, has significantly upped her school volunteering over the past two years, since my youngest has been in school. I think she feels the time slipping away very quickly. She’s been there several times this week, doing a couple different parties.

    Volunteering is also perfectly reasonable, IMO, as long as you are doing what the teachers want/need you to do.

    One of our parent/couple/family friends, the real-life Totebaggers that we actually know and whom I’ve mentioned here before, the mom has confessed to us that she’s been blacklisted at the school. Too much eagerness in her volunteering (always inserting herself rather than simply being available when requested), too much complaining about class placement, curriculum, kid’s special requirements, etc.

    I think it’s awesome that they shut her down.

  21. Off-topic, I think Rhett will be proud of me. I checked the seating on our Australia flights again, and the prices for the extra legroom seats dropped for some reason on the outbound flight, so I took the plunge and booked them. It was about $150 total less than it was when I booked the flights.

    It’s not premium economy or business class, but it’s something :)

  22. I can’t fathom having enough time and energy to go have lunch at school often (ever). I don’t think I have ever done that, even though I have volunteered. When my kids were in kindergarten, the class had an all class snack every day, and parents were supposed to bring in a snack for the whole class. I hated it with a passion. Fortunately, by the time my youngest was in school, the food safety rules prevented that custom. The school provided a junk food snack and the parents were supposed to contribute financially. My son couldn’t participate because allergy boy was allergic to a lot of prepackaged/premade foods. There is red dye everywhere, especially in the prepackaged snacks. And kindergarten was like three and a half hours long. Even a five year old can go four hours without eating.

    Sometimes having teenagers is just so much easier.

  23. Rhett – Those houses are something else.

    To be critical, I think the relatively low ceilings in the second might take some getting used to. And the water that it fronts appears to be of questionable navigability (look at the second picture, it looks like they’ve brought in a lot of rocks to keep the land in place, and there’s sort of a channel weaving side to side. But it’s not going to be a large boat getting under that stone bridge.

    Overall, though, I think Connecticut real estate prices are fairly soft lately.

  24. Overall, though, I think Connecticut real estate prices are fairly soft lately.

    How did I miss this one!? $120,000,000!

    https://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/19-Great-Is_Darien_CT_06820_M42029-45300?view=qv

    It looks like it comes with its own marina.

    A white crescent sand beach is flanked by rustic beach and bath houses. An equestrian center is centered on an 18 stall granite stable with indoor and outdoor Grand Prix and Dressage arenas. A deep water dock can accommodate a 100 foot yacht.

  25. Is it late enough for a car hijack?

    DD totaled the car she was driving this week. She is fine, no injuries to her or anyone else. It was her fault, and ours, she isn’t experienced enough to be on the road she was. We have reworked her route to work and hopefully she will get there safely. Yesterday, she texted me that she got their safely, but that she witnessed a bus hitting a car. Ugh.

    Anyway, she is now driving my commute car and will likely continue with it and I will get a replacement. I have been driving a Camry. I really like my Camry. I am tempted to just get another Camry, but that seems wrong without at least exploring options. Also, a Corolla sized car might be a smarter option because I only have one kid to drive to school, and he will have a license in about six months. I require leather seats and a moonroof. Any suggestions?

  26. I am glad she is ok. I noticed that many of my friends used to do exactly what you did with the hand me down car from mom or dad. I said “used to” because a few of them have decided to do the opposite and buy the new car for the teenager. The reason is that the safety technology is changing and manufacturers keep adding more safety features to every new model. It probably doesn’t matter is if your Camry is fairly new, but there might be a big difference in safety features if your car was several years old.

  27. Glad to hear that DD is okay. I don’t really have a comment on sedans (I drive a minivan, so what do I know), but I read this last month and had to laugh. Camry is very vanilla. https://www.freep.com/story/money/cars/2018/11/03/toyota-camry-2018-price/1825160002/
    If you take anything away from the article it should be this quote about resale value, “I don’t buy things based on the idea that I want to get rid of them”

    The Mazda looks nice and sporty!

  28. Rhett,

    I forgot to mention that this car will travel regularly on a gravel road and at some point be driven by a teenager. I don’t want anything nice enough for these realities to cause heartburn.

    This thing is also a commuter car, so gas mileage is a concern. I generally put 25-30K miles on the car a year. I will check out the mazda.

  29. I forgot to mention that this car will travel regularly on a gravel road

    The CX-5 is also very highly rated, reasonably priced and it gets good gas mileage.

  30. Rhett – The Darien island compound:

    William Ziegler, who made his fortune in baking powder, bought the property around the turn of the century and used it as a summer home. Now his descendants are selling it.

  31. Why does the CX-5 have such a small screen?

    Car designers really haven’t figured out a good way to integrate the screens.

    You have the Model 3 option:

    Then you have the Mercedes where it looks tacked on.

  32. Milo,

    His other interests were organizing Arctic expeditions and yachting.

    Man knew how to live.

  33. At his death (in 1905), it is estimated, he was worth more than $10,000,000.

    Now $2.8 billion. So much for shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in 3 generations.

  34. Rhett – and the G70 comes with a manual transmission! As does the Mazda!

    But that means you can’t use the full range cruise control that can inch itself through stop and go traffic by itself.

  35. @Rhett – That Genesis is pretty. Do they break all the time? What is that brand anyway – upscale Kia?

  36. Ah – luxury Hyundai. I’ve actually like the Hyundai’s that I’ve gotten as rentals quite a bit.

  37. Do they break all the time? What is that brand anyway – upscale Kia?

    Genesis, the luxury brand started by Hyundai just over two years ago, is the highest-rated brand in Consumer Reports’ 2018 ranking of auto brands. This is the first year Genesis is eligible to be ranked by Consumer Reports.

    “Genesis has luxury cars that not only have good reliability, but they are also comfortable and the technology in them is easy to use,” said Jake Fisher, director of automotive testing at Consumer Reports.

    They also come with a 10 year 100k mile warranty.

  38. The upscale Kia would be the K900. Kia’s $60k S Class Mercedes rival. All the reviews say it’s 90% of an S Class for 60% of the month.

  39. “90% of an S Class”

    Is that 10% a real thing, you think, or is it car writer bias that prevents them from saying they’re objectively equal?

  40. And who even buys luxury or large sedans any more, anyway? I seriously can’t think of anyone I know or know of. Everyone buys a crossover.

    On that note, DW’s parents took a big hit on their Totebagginess/MND rating and bought a Q7.

  41. Is that 10% a real thing, you think, or is it car writer bias that prevents them from saying they’re objectively equal?

    S class:

    G90:

  42. The S Class comes with power heated and cooled massaging seats at all 4 corners. No massaging seats in the G90. The S-Class also has heated armrests front, center and rear. Things like that.

  43. And in case you think it’s a gimmick, I cashed in some of my Enterprise upgrades to get an S560. One of the massage settings is “Hot Stone Massage” and it actually felt like a real hot stone massage. I was very impressed.

  44. “I said “used to” because a few of them have decided to do the opposite and buy the new car for the teenager. The reason is that the safety technology is changing and manufacturers keep adding more safety features to every new model. It probably doesn’t matter is if your Camry is fairly new, but there might be a big difference in safety features if your car was several years old.”

    Good point about safety…I will have to think hard about this.

    DD’s airbags didn’t go off, and they should have. She is not a great driver and needs all the help she can get.

  45. because a few of them have decided to do the opposite and buy the new car for the teenager. The reason is that the safety technology is changing and manufacturers keep adding more safety features to every new model

    We are still having this debate about what to do for our DS, who turns 15 next year. Hand down one of our cars or buy something like a Rav4 – hybrid comes out in March – or Forrester new.

  46. I seriously can’t think of anyone I know or know of. Everyone buys a crossover.

    And they keep saying, “Oh there’s no tradeoff anymore.” And then I compare the ride and NVH in a Q7 vs. an A6 or an S vs. an GLS and they are just so much worse. I was shocked at how much worse the Lexus RX was than the ES sedan.

  47. Cassandra – if you’re thinking new, I highly recommend Subaru’s eyesight technology. We have it on our Outback. That plus AWD really makes me confident for our icy winters.

  48. That plus AWD really makes me confident for our icy winters.

    I bet Cassandra, being in the Central Valley, would wonder how she ever survived without cooled seats in the summer. They are available on the 6.

  49. @ Rhett – do you mean worse in terms of the bounciness of the ride? I just could not go to a lower profile car after 25 years of driving an SUV. I test drove a Volvo XC60 last week thinking it could be an option for DS, and even in that I felt like I was sitting so low to the ground. Hated it.

  50. My feeling is that if you need AWD or 4WD, in most cases, you are where you shouldn’t be. I can’t get a new car to replace the one she totaled…I have three kids and have to set some standards about expectations.

    DD1 did get a new car 18 months ago ( Dean’s list and keeping a serious scholarship) that has more safety features than any other vehicle we have. Maybe something two-three years old with massive safety features and no moonroof or leather seats might be the reasonable option. It has been a hard year (trade war, freeze, other issues) so that I am feeling cheap.

  51. @ Rhett – do you mean worse in terms of the bounciness of the ride?

    That and the boominess and the shuddering from the worse body rigidity. The top of the line volvo XC 90 and the new Rolls Royce SUVs both have (power adjustable) but fixed rear seats and a glass partition between the cabin and the cargo compartment because you just can’t get top quality NVH with a big open box SUV.

  52. “And who even buys luxury or large sedans any more, anyway? I seriously can’t think of anyone I know or know of. ”

    I see plenty of them – especially older people with no young kids.

    I don’t see the benefit of the crossovers. The backseats are awful & cramped like a small car, especially when you cram them up with car seats or try to make adults sit back there. Sitting in the backseat of a large sedan is comfy like sitting in the backseat of a full-sized SUV or mini van. I also like having a locked trunk.

  53. That and the boominess and the shuddering from the worse body rigidity.

    Oh, yes, I agree much worse in an SUV. You would hate a suburban!

  54. When I retire, I want a big ass smooth-riding tank of a sedan to go with my perpetually tanned husband and hideous huge old-lady visor hats. We’ll drive it to dinner at 4:30pm.

  55. “The backseats are awful & cramped like a small car, especially when you cram them up with car seats or try to make adults sit back there.”

    The main backseat (the second row) is usually fine. The third rows are horrible.

    When my MIL wanted to drive over Thanksgiving, we all piled into her car. My two youngest were in the third row, and were pretty quiet playing on a Kindle.

    When we were almost home, practically in their neighborhood, my 9 yo says “Are we almost home yet??” We thought she was just trying to be funny, or else very dumb, like kids get so engrossed in a tablet they won’t even look out the window.”

    So someone said “umm, look around.” And she says “I can’t. I can’t see anything.”

    Neither of them had been able to see out of the third row windows the entire time, nor could they see over the middle row, esp. with modern headrests. Yet, if they were any taller, the third row would be really uncomfortable because it’s so constrained.

  56. When I was last car shopping, the Q7 was my favorite of all the cars I drove. But I need a truly functional 3rd row, and my then 8 year old couldn’t sit in its 3rd row without angling his knees.

    Also, the closest Audi dealership is almost an hour away, which is a pain for service purposes.

  57. Of course, ironically, the reason I needed that 3rd row was because of all the carpooling I was doing at the time and would regularly have 5 or 6 kids in my car. In the past year we’ve really cut down quite a bit on that. I rarely if ever need my 3rd row any more except for when dogs want to come ride with us.

  58. Since we are off topic – I am going on a small rant with question. For a variety of reason, I am trying to close out my last account at brokerage A and transfer in-kind all the assets to an existing account at brokerage B. Yesterday, I got a confirmation from brokerage B that they received assets from brokerage A. Today, I checked the brokerage A account, assuming it would be 0, only to find one sizable asset has not transferred. I called the 800 – Customer Service who told me (1) that particular asset cannot be transferred in-kind (and they could go off and research why, but it might be a few days before they can call me back), but it can be liquidated and the cash transferred, (2) they can’t help me because I have an assigned financial advisor, who is the only person who can only initiate transactions on my behalf, and (3) because brokerage B requested the transfer of all assets in-kind, the account status has changed and there is a multi-step process to get it back to where the advisor can liquidate the asset.

    At lunch, I was lamenting this hassle to a friend, who wondered whether it is a way for a brokerage advisor to ensure they get one last commission off of a departing client in addition to the “termination fee” they charged. By requiring it to be liquidated before being sold, the advisor will get a commission on that sale. Do you think my friend is right or are there “real” reasons why an asset couldn’t transfer?

  59. Milo – I drive a large sedan…Infiniti Q70, the ‘L’ version, matter of fact. Though not happening that frequently now, every adult who has ridden in the back seat has plenty of room, including my 6’3″ DS1. Good ride; the car is all I could ask for. Replaced my 2002 E-class sedan with it close to 3 years ago. To your point though, I got quite a good price on it because it was one of the last of its model year sold…1.5yrs after the first ones hit the showroom…Infiniti (Nissan) was throwing a lot of money at dealers to move them.

  60. Lark – we bought a 2015 Q7 when it first came out, so 4+ yrs ago now. DW was ‘downsizing’ from a 2003 Sequoia. The Q7 is truly smaller than the Sequoia and the 4 of us guys couldn’t convince DW to go for the Q5 instead. At least so far probably the right move to have the Q7 given how much schlepping of stuff to/from colleges we’ve done. But DW is already talking about the next car…hopefully at least 5yrs from now…being a Q5.
    (The one we have has performed well to date.)

  61. I’m leaning toward the safe, late model (2017 or newer) Corolla for DD rather than giving her my Camry. DH is still thinking about this. I am trying to rationalize this, especially in equity reasoning…..It is the same model that DD1 has, although this will be used not new. I like my Camry and it would cost more to replace it with a vehicle I’m happy with than it would be to buy the safer car for DD2. I want DD2 alive when she heads to college in the fall, and she is driving in a dangerous area, and she is an inexperienced, inexpert driver. Also, after DD goes to college, DS can drive this car.

    And those luxury sedans look really nice and I may want one once I get done buying cars for everyone else.

    And I much prefer a sedan to an SUV most of the time. I also drive a Sequoia (I can fit seven full size teenagers), and it is nice to sit up high, but I really prefer a smaller, more nimble car. I once had a Honda Prelude and that was a fun car.

  62. anon – there are some assets that can’t be transferred in kind: These securities include:
    -securities sold exclusively by your old firm;
    -mutual funds or money market funds not available at the new firm
    -hedge funds, private equity
    -annuities

    if your remaining asset is not one of these, then maybe your friend is right.

    Also, you might be able to get brokerage B to cover any account close out costs if the total assets transferred are big $ enough. Couldn’t hurt to ask.

  63. Anon. You can only do transfer in kind of the security or instrument is available at both institutions. Synthetic instruments, proprietary funds, and some limited partnerships are examples of possible non transferable items an ordinary UMC investor might have in an account, especially one that is managed or in which the broker has recommended stuff regularly. I has an issue once with a note based on a basket of currencies.

  64. Thanks Fred. I can rule out the last two types, but not the first two. It was an asset I inherited, so I know less about it than the assets I add to my portfolio. I have not been too happy with this firm, so it just feels like one more obstacle in a series I have had to deal with in settling an estate.

  65. “What fun, impractical cars have you had and what ones hopefully lie in your future?”

    For a short period of time in my early 20’s, I owned a Mazda MX3, and my boyfriend at the time owned a Honda Del Sol. They were both really fun cars to drive! The Mazda got totalled in a flash flood, so I had it less than a year. But I had a really fun love affair with it for that period of time.

    Somehow my boyfriend managed to move halfway across the country with most of his stuff packed into the Del Sol. I don’t know how he did it. I mean, he didn’t own much at 22, but that car could barely fit a bag of groceries in the trunk.

  66. “In the past year we’ve really cut down quite a bit on that. I rarely if ever need my 3rd row any more except for when dogs want to come ride with us.”

    So I’m an empty nester and I intend to go back to a third row. My youngest was in middle school when I replaced my minivan with an Outback, reasoning that I usually was alone or with one kid in the car. I’ve found I really don’t like that we can’t all fit in one vehicle when we go somewhere together. And I particularly missed the extra room on college move in day.

  67. “What fun, impractical cars have you had and what ones hopefully lie in your future?”

    Like Ivy, I’m looking forward to a nice smooth riding boat…in Florida Retiree White.

  68. “What fun, impractical cars have you had and what ones hopefully lie in your future?”

    I went to an auto show last year with my DS, and I fell in love with the Mini Coopers on display. I would love to get something like that some day.

    I have never owned a car that is just mine. I didn’t own a car at all until DH and I got married. I had always lived in big cities, where a car would have been more of a hindrance than a help, and I just took public transportation everywhere. In buying cars with DH, I have typically acquiesced to his wishes. We currently have a Prius as our day-to-day car (DH wanted the excellent gas mileage), and a Subaru Forester as our workhorse car (DH is very attached to the Subaru brand — where he comes from in northern New England, everyone drives them). I would love, someday, to get a car that is all mine — my desired size, color, features, etc. I’m hoping to be able to treat myself once we’re done paying college tuitions.

  69. NoB – I also never had a car until DH and I bought one as his work lease. The ‘kid car’ (MDX) is half mine and half the nanny’s at this point. I was very happy when I got to go look for a car ALL BY MYSELF earlier this year. :)

    We just got back from the middle school band concert. What a cacophony! That teacher is doing the Lord’s work getting the kids to play all in one key at one time by 8th grade.

  70. Oh, also, on topic, I haven’t heard of parents coming to lunch here ever. There are SAHMs (always moms) who volunteer in classrooms etc., but you have to have a CORI to even visit the kids during the school day.

  71. I worked in Florida and I was there for almost 8 months. I rented a car and I would get a new vehicle every time that I had to return to Florida from NY. Avis got to me know me, and they offered to upgrade me for no cost to a Mustang. I lucked out and I had no trips planned for a while so I got to keep it for about 3 weeks. It was a brand new car, and I had a lot of fun driving it. My friends loved it too, and it was a let down when I returned from my next trip, and I got my typical Ford sedan.

  72. L – Last night was the band concert at DS’s high school. There was a big difference between the high school band concert and the middle-school band concerts that he played in in past years. The high school performance was actually pretty good. The middle-school performances were often literally painful to listen to.

  73. “That teacher is doing the Lord’s work getting the kids to play all in one key at one time by 8th grade.”

    Our middle school band was pretty good; it was the elementary band teacher who was doing the Lord’s work. Just when the 6th graders are starting to understand the basics, they go off to middle school. The elementary band teachers never really enjoy the fruits of their labors.

    L, you are the choral music person, right? Perhaps you would appreciate the special place in hell that is reserved for choral music publishers who put out music forcing amateur singers (which is MOST OF US) to find their notes on cramped staffs rather than a separate line for each vocal part.

  74. Ah, those first year band students at their very first concert — it’s so nice to be past the stage of attending those.

  75. Shoot, the url was supposed to be at a specific time and wasn’t — go to around 3:47.

  76. ” the Del Sol. I don’t know how he did it. I mean, he didn’t own much at 22, but that car could barely fit a bag of groceries in the trunk.”

    ?? Not at all! That trunk was enormous for the size of the car. It had to be wide and long enough to store the roof panel on a little platform. I’m pretty sure that I remember it could easily carry at least one bag of golf clubs, and iirc, two.

  77. Such a major difference between East and West, and city and burbs. I got my first car at 18, and I profoundly hope I never have to share a car with anyone. In Chicago I met several adults who had never had a car, and one who didn’t know how to drive. Madness! Cars are freedom. I’d sacrifice a lot of other stuff to have my own car. My stepson and DIL in Boston share a car. They’re better people than I am.

  78. Such a major difference between East and West, and city and burbs.

    It’s also generational. You didn’t have Uber and Zip-Car when you were sharing.

  79. “Madness! Cars are freedom.”

    In my urban-based young adulthood, I always thought of a car as the opposite of freedom — to me, having a car seemed like having a big ball and chain. You have to spend all kinds of money to buy it, and then constantly spend more money to insure, fuel, and maintain it, and then there are the repair bills that will inevitably come at some point…I was so happy to just pay a modest fee each month for a subway/bus pass, and be done with transportation issues. On the odd occasions when I needed a car, I just rented one.

    Having lived in the exurbs for 15+ years now, I’ve gotten used to having a car, but in some ways I miss my old urban car-free lifestyle.

  80. Scarlett – I don’t mind small print (yet?) but my especial pet peeve is measures that are not all the same length (visually), which tricks people who aren’t reading carefully. And even worse, measures where there is a bar line, space (but no rest!) and THEN a note! The Charpentier edition we just sang had several of those – we had to color in the spaces! – not to mention the many misprints.

  81. Wow, Meme! A 75-year old who not only drives, but drives that car. The ladies must give you the stink eye when they realize he’s taken. :)

    My dream come true. Now with UPS Follow My Delivery I can track my packages on the truck, sorta like Uber.

    I heard Uber and Lyft were on strike today in CT. Bummer.

  82. After seeing my Moms Aged 70 to 90 lifestyle freedom when the Metro station and later the ride on busses opened up across the major street from her front door (via a long outdoor escalator) and the complete loss of freedom when they had ro close the escalator for a year of repairs, I am in NoBs camp. A bus within a couple of blocks is in my thinking as vital as indoor plumbing. That was one of the things that made Oahu so realistic to me as a place to live. My kids were riding public transportation to school by 10, elsewhere by 12, biking everywhere. That was freedom on both sides in the ideologically non enmeshed style of parenting that I favored. Two got licenses at 16, and tge tennaged car years were somewhat difficult logistically in the city. 2 waited until 20 plus, and were in CA so it was a matter of employment necessity.

  83. I waiting at home for the contractor to come back to finish one thing on my window. There was a missing piece for trim, and it finally arrived. He just texted that they are running an hour late. There is some flooding here so I am trying to be patient, but I just wish he texted me when they were supposed to be here instead of 30 minutes after the expected start time.

    I had to turn around when I was driving DD to school because one road was flooded. This was about 20 feet from the entrance to our Department of Public Works. I wish they would fix some of these roads, but it is straight out of a Dilbert cartoon because some roads are maintained by the Town, some belong to the county and the worst roads belong to NY state. I am grateful this isn’t snow because it would be a huge snowfall.

  84. July. He is only 5 ft 3 and if I dont check him his shirts are mis buttoned when he goes out. Tge kadies give him a wide berth. It is more the guys who are envious, The ubiqitous cops on constrction duty always give him aporeciative comments.

  85. In my urban-based young adulthood, I always thought of a car as the opposite of freedom — to me, having a car seemed like having a big ball and chain.

    Yup. When I lived in Chicago, I sold my car because I hardly ever drove it because parking was such a pain in the ass. I could get around easily on public transit. I bought a new one after a couple of years because I got a job in the suburbs and had to drive.

  86. “A bus within a couple of blocks is in my thinking as vital as indoor plumbing”

    Except if you have difficulty with mobility, walking a couple of blocks is not very doable. In that case driving a comfy sedan out of your garage and being able to park in the handicapped spot makes life much easier. Plus hauling even small packages on public transport can be difficult for some senior citizens. Different scenarios work in different cases.

  87. L — The small print is not an issue if I remember to remove my distant vision contact lense. However, What Sweeter Music (by our favorite contemporary British choral conductor) requires constant effort to remember, from one measure to the next, whether we are on the top or bottom staff and which note in the chord we are supposed to be singing.

    Give me a Palestrina or Victoria 8-part piece any day. You have one line and you stay on it.

  88. People will appreciate this. DS is taking a couple of concurrent enrollment classes, they are officially for the spring semester. Last week, one of the teachers had them fill out the enrollment paperwork for the CC. He got an email yesterday saying that he wasn’t approved for in-state residency and he needed to submit a correction form if that was not correct. So we filled out the form together, and it seems that he was denied residency because for the question “have you attended HS in Colorado for the past three years?”, he checked no. He figured since he’s only been in HS for 2.5 years, that was what he should mark.

  89. DD isn’t it amazing the common sense things you expect kids to know that they just don’t?

    Mr. Wilson: “Dennis, why do you ask so many questions?”
    Dennis: “I haven’t been here very long and there are a lot of things I don’t know.”

    I’ve always loved that line.

  90. “DD isn’t it amazing the common sense things you expect kids to know that they just don’t?”

    “Yup, but I totally understand it. I probably would have done the same thing.”

    Also sounds like an answer Finn would give. ;)

  91. I would have taken the question literally and been denied. I recall getting lots of location type questions especially while going through the green card process. How long have you lived here, where did you live prior to that and prior to prior etc. It was exhausting.

  92. DD’s post reminds me that being able to ascertain the answer desired when it is not the answer to the question asked is a very useful skill, but not necessarily a common skill. It is much more common for people to provide the desired answer because they don’t really understand the question as asked.

    IOW, I don’t blame DD’s DS, especially if there was no transparency WRT the rationale for the question.

    DD, did you have him lie? Is he the first junior to take DR classes?

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