NYTimes Wedding Announcements – The Spoof

by Louise

Hello Totebaggers, some of us love the NYTimes Wedding Announcements. The purpose of this post is to ask you to write a spoof announcement in the style of the NYTimes. Incorporate details from your geographic areas, cultures, ethnicities, professions. Some fun for everyone !

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62 thoughts on “NYTimes Wedding Announcements – The Spoof

  1. Geez, if I had the time today, I’d do President George P. Bush’s marriage to Supreme Court Justice Chelsea Clinton, with Matron of Honor Ivanka Trump and Best Man Jeb!, officiated by the Notorious RBG at Kennebunkport with a reception (guests transported via Air Force One and Trump Network Force One) at Mar-a-Largo.

  2. Hum, the highest it could possibly go?

    June 15, 2036

    HIH Crown Prince Akishino and HRH Crown Price George were married Sunday by Chief Priest of the Grand Ise Shrie Takatsukasa Naotake and The Most Reverend Justin Welby, the Arch Bishop of Canterbury.

    Prince Akishino(left), is heir to the Chrysanthemum Throne. He graduated from the University of Tokyo with a degree in environmental engineer(summa cum laude) and obtained a masters degree in public administration from the John F. Kennedy School of Government, where the couple met. He is a 127th generation descendant of the Emperor Jummi and is also a direct descendant of the Sun Goddess Amaterasu. His family has held that position in an unbroken line for the past 2621 years.

    Prince George is heir to the thrones of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Norther Ireland, Canada, Australian, New Zealand and numerous of nations. He received a degree in economics from Oxford (summa cum laude) and a masters degree in public administration from the John F. Kennedy School of Government. He is the son King William and Queen Katherine of the United Kingdom and a direct descendant of William the Conqueror, the first Norman King of England.

    The wedding took place at Prince Akishino’s family home, the Imperial Palace in Tokyo, with a reception the next day at Prince George’s family home, Buckingham Palace.

  3. You could also do Prince George marries Crystle Lee Clark(24) a former Hooters waitress from Butcher Hollow, KY. “The bride’s three previous marriages ended in divorce.”

  4. See, I can’t do one of these based on geography because if I tried to do one for the people around here, it would either come out exactly like a real NYTimes announcement (because a lot of them really are for Westchesterites) or would be too stereotypically Italian-American (our other big demographic).

  5. You have got to be kidding me, Milo. NO! I’m staying at a nearby motel with a waterside bar. I’ll teach a merit badge class on Saturday and Sunday.

    Along Rhett’s line, Charlotte Clinton-Mezvinsky-Bush to Princess Charlotte, in Lesbos, Russia (nee, Greece)? Rupert Murdock to Ludmila Putina? Angela Merkle to HUD Secretary Julian Castro? George Soros to Anne Coulter? The Koch Brothers to Jinger Duggar?

  6. Apple Orange, daughter of Goop founder, will be having a commitment ceremony to inspector Gadget. The couple met on a juice fast while hiking to the hollywood sign. they ask their guests to wear all white and bring doves to release harmoniously into the wilderness.

  7. June 21, 2021

    Dr. Consuelo Astor Osgood Stuyvesant and Dr. Pierre Röntgen Currie were married today at the Princeton University Chapel. Chief Justice John Roberts, a friend of the family, presided.

    Dr. Stuyvesant (21), is currently completing a surgical fellowship at Boston Children’s Hospital. She was the youngest ever Chief Resident at The Massachusetts General Hospital. She graduated with a degree in chemistry from Stanford (summa cum laude) and Harvard Medical School. Having been granted special leave from Children’s, she won 2 gold medals in last year’s Olympics in Tokyo. She a descendant of many prominent New Yorkers including: Samuel Osgood the founder of the First National City Bank of New York (now Citi), real estate developer John Jacob Astor and Peter Stuyvesant, the first Dutch Governor of New Amsterdam.

    Dr. Curie(25) recently joined the Institute for Advanced Study at Princeton. He graduated with a degree in physics (summa cum laude) from Caltech at 14 where he first proposed his Grand Unification Theory. The discovery of the anti-graviton having confirmed his theory, he was, at the age of 24, awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics. He is youngest ever winner of that award, having narrowly beat out Lawrence Bragg, who was 25. He is descended from many other Nobel winners including his great-great grandparents Pierre (Physics 1903) and Maria Curie (Physics 1903, Chemistry 1911) and Wilhelm Röntgen (Physics, 1901).

  8. checking in

    I had mentioned a while back my son had to have extended testing (EEG)

    everything came back normal!!!

  9. Along Rhett’s line, Charlotte Clinton-Mezvinsky-Bush to Princess Charlotte, in Lesbos, Russia (nee, Greece)?

    Inspired! Although it’s née not nee. You need to make proper pretentious use of the accent aigu.

  10. OT – reminder to those of you who will have college kids in Fall 2017 and you’re hoping to get need aid, opening day for FAFSA filing is tomorrow, October 1 (used to be Jan 1). Moved ahead by 3 months. Even in some cases, schools require the FAFSA be completed for merit aid.
    If you do not already have one, you create TWO FSA ID (one for you and one for your kid(s)) first: https://fsaid.ed.gov/npas/index.htm which you can do anytime, today even.
    Once done, then beginning tomorrow go to https://fafsa.ed.gov/index.htm to complete the FAFSA (one for each kid who will be in college in 2017-2018).

    – All the income information can be pulled from the IRS, so you don’t have to input that by hand
    – The valuations of 529s, savings & investment accounts is as of the day you are filing the FAFSA in case you want to take advantage of any dip in the market that might depress your asset value slightly.
    – (what’s really depressing is the expected family contribution # you’ll get at the end of the process!)

  11. PTM – I spent the morning at an energy and environmental summit. The keynote brought up flooding in the Miami area and I thought of you… I hope your brought your swim trunks and a kayak for this weekend’s trip. :)

    I hate to disappoint, but Princess Charlotte will be marrying Baby Rhode #1. It’s been in the works….

    lagirl – Apple should marry Pilot Inspektor!

    Blue Ivy should marry Saint West… She could be Blue Ivy Knowles-Carter-West! Or they could be very modern… and both have the last name Knowles-Carter-West… Saint Knowles-Carter-West.

  12. My MIL was always certain that her son would marry Princess Caroline of Monaco. I messed up her plans.

  13. Checking in late – where is Sky ? Last time she wrote brilliant spoofs. I had one in my head but have to post Wiki links with it so have to put off for now.

  14. Pollyanna Milo, a daughter of Mr. And Mrs. Milo of Virginia, was married to Saac, son of S&M, in a marriage uniting rivals Totebag factions.

    Defying her parents, Miss Milo majored in women’s studies at Swarthmore, and subsequently completed graduate studies in architecture. She now designs tiny houses for a living, much to the horror of her father.

    Mr. Saac graduated from Washington & Lee, where he discovered Republican politics, much to his mother’s dismay. He was recently elected senator in his home state of Florida, succeeding his mentor, Marco Rubio.

  15. Milo,

    Very nice. Now we just have to wait for PTM’s inspired genius to appear after a few too many Coors Lights at the motel.

  16. Oh, then I was wrong. I thought the Washington and Lee reference was a dead giveaway of geographic proximity.

  17. Milo-
    Thanks for giving me credit, but I am not that creative. Maybe instead of Swathmore, Pollyanna attended VMI and she and Isaac met at a church dinner for college students and cadets.

  18. Or this one:

    Capt. DS1 Mooshi, son of Mr. and Mrs. Mooshi, was united in matrimony to DD, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. LaurafromBaltimore. Raised in Westchester County, Lt. Mooshi is a graduate of the United States Military Academy and is currently serving as an artillery instructor at West Point, where he holds several school shooting records. In his spare time, he is training for the 2028 Olympic Rifle team and is an advisor to the New York state branch of the NRA. DD, also known by her nickname of NotMe, graduated from a HSS and, after considering a medical career, was inspired by her mother to enroll in law school. She is taking a leave from her studies in order to explore her longtime interest in becoming a high school calculus teacher.

  19. William “Wookie” Johnson and Skylar Morris were married today in the Google NYC cafe, in front of a large crowd of friends and colleagues. As they said their vows, the bride and groom exchanged rings that they had designed for each other and printed on a 3Dprinter. After the brief ceremony, the many guests dined on a Google cafe lunch of pork belly sliders created by Google guest chef of the day David Chang. Guests were attired in cosplay attire, and after their lunch, poured out of Google HQ to parade down the High Line, and then over to Washington Square Park where they engaged in mock sword battles, wizardry, and steampunk croquet.

    Wookie, who is a Google software developer, and Skylar, a web designer for Etsy, met at NYC’s ComicCon two years ago where they fell in love with each other’s StarWars costumes. After many visits to regional ComicCons, NY Renaissance Faires and Maker Faires, and ever more complex costumes, they decided it was time for, as Skylar said “the ultimate geek party”. They plan to move to Greenpoint, Brooklyn.

    http://i1.wp.com/farm6.staticflickr.com/5325/9344649694_62fedc7ac1_c.jpg?resize=800%2C600&ssl=1

  20. I’m picturing PTM at an actual motel this weekend, just after dusk, still wearing olive-green Scout pants but having shed the khaki shirt to the white tank top underneath, he walks to the small pool in the middle of the parking lot, passing under a buzzing neon “Vacancy” sign; in one hand, the four remaining cans of a six pack of Coors light dangle listlessly from their plastic rings; in the other hand, the amber glow of a cigarette smolders gently in the heavy Florida air.

    She watches him from the inn’s worn office, disinterested at first…

    It could be the scene of an interesting short story for the New Yorker.

  21. Milo, you definitely need to quit your day job.

    But Finn would be disappointed if I didn’t point out that you really meant “un”-interested, I think.

  22. Ahh, yes, I need to learn the difference. And the first sentence is a long mess, but that’s what you get typing on a phone.

  23. I have spent the entire week dealing with a new medical provider. My child was referred there because they have a chronic disease. I have spent the week dealing with and playing phone tag with pharmacies, insurance companies, and doctor’s offices.

    He was prescribed one medicine. Unfortunately the doctor wrote down the brand the insurance doesn’t cover. The insurance company does cover the same medicine under a different name. Trying to get the doctor’s office to a) return phone calls and b) either prescribe the same medicine with the different name or explain why the non covered medicine is different makes me want one of PTMS silver bullets, and I hate beer.

    I have often wondered why the non ag industry thinks we are trying to poison the planet and kill them. After this week, I can see that if they believe the ag industry acts with as much callous disregard to plants and animals as the medical industry does to people, PETA and all the rabid environmentalists would have a point.

  24. Cordelia, I suspect Ada is busy, but the link on skin-to-skin contact after birth to promote breastfeeding that someone posted (Kate?) last night gave me the same feeling about the healthcare profession. I delivered a baby last year, after spending the night before in labor, the baby was up all night after being born and I had to sleep and try to take care of a fussy-but-not-hungry newborn in a hospital bed with insufficient space for cosleeping. (I’m not opposed to cosleeping, but I would have preferred not to do it with a newborn after having not slept for ~40 hr and ALSO having delivered the baby.)

    Some people are just f*&in’ stupid.

  25. Azar Nawaz a son of Mr. and Mrs. Ali Nawaz of Beverly Hills, CA was married to Maya Stanford, a daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford IV of Newport Beach, CA. The groom a descendant of the Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan, builder of the Taj Mahal met the bride while studying architecture at Stanford. The bride completed her studies at Stanford’s Institute of Design. The bride and the groom have started their own architecture and design firm combining the elements of Mughal architecture with California Mission Design.
    The firm has already received commissions to modernize Tehran with future commissions anticipated from Syria, Iraq, Israel, South Africa and North Korea.

  26. Ms. Pasricha was preparing to move from Boston to Nashville for her first year of medical school at Vanderbilt, and she and Mr. Ramudu believed being engaged would make the distance easier to bear. But without the approval of Ms. Pasricha’s mother, a retired engineer, and her father, a professor of medicine and neurosciences at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine and professor of innovation management at the Johns Hopkins Carey Business School, Mr. Ramudu didn’t dream of proposing.

    It’s really just a work of art.

    http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/01/18/fashion/weddings/a-princess-for-a-make-believe-prince.html

  27. “The valuations of 529s, savings & investment accounts is as of the day you are filing the FAFSA in case you want to take advantage of any dip in the market that might depress your asset value slightly.”

    Perhaps prior to filing the FAFSA would be a good time to use some of the funds from the rainy day fund to pay off the mortgage.

  28. “She watches him from the inn’s worn office, disinterested at first…”

    …He sits tentatively on the taupe vinyl lounger, struggling to keep balance, both his and the lawn chair’s as the straps sag and yaw. As he shifts his long legs and shimmies cautiously to ease up into the chair, she can clearly see his left hand bearing his weight as he pulls to pull himself backwards, the chair tilting uncertainly. No ring, she observed, but then again he might not be the sort of man who would wear a ring.

    He lit another cigarette– Marlboro’s– against the twilight sky, and pulled another tall boy from its collar, popping it as he reached into his backpack, She hoped he had seen the all night beer store a mile marker and a half up the road to the left. He pulled our a notepad, and a guidebook of some sorts which he opened, shaking off the ashes that the dropped from the Marlboro. She could barely make out the title of the book. It had some kind of symbol like on the helmets she sees some Monday nights on TV and on fences front of the old houses in Louisiana that she’d visited so many years ago.

    She could make out the title of the pamphlet now, as he tossed it down to the cement ‘longside his chaise to take and savor a deep drink of his beer. As he scratched himself, she could read, “Scout’s Guide to Comparative Governments” or some such thing.

    Oh yes, she thought hopefully. He’d be the type to wear a ring….

  29. Miss Johannah Duggar, a daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Jim Bob Duggar of Arkansas, was married Saturday, October 2, 2021 to Mr. Little Money Mustache, son of Mr. and Mrs. Money Mustache of Colorado, in Las Vegas. “We have so much in common,” gushed the bride, who grew up in a family that has nothing in common with most Americans. “On paper, our families don’t look that similar. But we were both brought up with a deep sense of shame for wanting things other people had. For me, an education and a pair of shorts. For him, Magic the Gathering Cards. We bonded over our rejection of our family values.” The first in her family to attend college, Ms. Duggar, who is changing her name to Elizabeth Smith because “there’s no “J” in it,” looks forward to settling in to the couple’s new home in Portland and starting her job at Planned Parenthood. “We hear that in Portland, no one goes to church and people think you are weird of you have more than 2 children. It sounds like heaven on earth,” shared Elizabeth. Little, who is changing his name to Ryan Smith, looks forward to a new job in the bowels of Intel, and outsourcing as many household tasks as possible while driving an SUV with heated seats and air conditioning. “I’m planning to turn on the heated seats while I run the air conditioner. And the only tool in my toolbox is going to be the phone book,” he explains. The couple is excited about starting a family soon. “We plan to get a Labradoodle.”

  30. “Ms. Duggar, who is changing her name to Elizabeth Smith because “there’s no “J” in it,”

    Love that!!

  31. Alright folks, want to finally take our kid to Disney world. What time is the best time, how many days should we plan for? Any websites I need to know about? Stay inside Disney world or outside? If inside, which one is best?
    Anything else I need to know about?

  32. Dell, I suggest you wait until about 4pm Eastern, then bring this up in today’s topic.

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